To Run or Not to Run?

Tomorrow is my follow-up appointment with my doctor. I am hoping he tells me that I have magic bones that heal four times faster than the average human's bones. Seriously I am just hoping he doesn't recommend that I stay on the crutches for 8 weeks instead of 6. Today is Day 8 out of 42 days of crutches. If I have to do many more days than this, I may have a nervous breakdown. I have been letting myself go thirsty rather than expend the energy to get a drink of water as well as eventually have to go to the bathroom as a result of the drink. Seriously, that's how bad I feel. I can hear myself getting fatter as I sit in my chair all day, moving as little as possible.

I have managed to sort of ease the pain in my armpits, upper arms, and shoulders, but for every silver lining there is a cloud...now my hands and wrists hurt. I also pulled something in my upper good leg while trying to scoot up the stairs. Can't win.

I tried to force myself to be in a better mood today and think positively and it sort of worked I guess. Today was the first day I didn't cry out of frustration and depression. I've been trying to make jokes about my situation and laugh about it to pass the time. People at work are being really helpful, offering to do parts of my job that require moving around, refilling my water bottle, offering to help a lot. It's still so freaking hard to do things like open doors and get from my office to the bathroom. I better have some seriously ripped arms by the time this is over.

Now that I've had time to think about my situation and have gotten over the shock of the fracture and crutches, I made a list of questions for my doctor: How do we know if the bone is healing properly? What is physical therapy like? How soon can I start exercising and what exercises does he recommend? Does my (mostly) vegan diet have anything to do with this or do I have naturally bad bones? What exactly caused this fracture? IS THERE ANY ALTERNATIVE TO CRUTCHES???

The question I immediately asked the doctor when I got the stress fracture news was "Does this mean I was not meant to be a runner?" He said no - they could teach me how to run with proper form, fix my shoes, etc. to get me back on track. Initially I was pumped to get back to running ASAP, but after dealing with these godforsaken crutches that are ruining my life, I am not so sure I want to take the risk. I hate to even say this because it just doesn't make sense that there are tons of runners who train properly and escape injury. It's not running's fault that I am hurt, it is something that I did but I can't figure out what exactly happened. I still want the chance to run a half marathon one day and feel that sense of accomplishment that comes from finishing something for which you spent months training and preparing. But I tell you, unless someone can 100% assure me that I would never ever have to be on crutches ever again,  I'm not sure I am meant for running. I just cannot bear the thought of going through this again.

I'm trying to think of other goals I can accomplish and low-impact exercises I can practice. Maybe take more yoga and add pilates and maybe become an instructor? Take swimming classes? Take one of these Zumba classes I've been hearing so much about? I guess there are lots of options but still....giving up running makes me feel defeated and sad. I guess I'll see what the doctor says tomorrow. I'm just hoping there is not a stress fracture in my other leg. I'm worried there might be from hopping and jumping and relying on it.

Injured Runner

I haven't posted in awhile for various reasons but something awful happened which is bringing me back to my blog. I'm going to be complaining a lot for the next month-and-a-half and since I can't afford therapy the blog will do. I haven't found a lot of information or blogs that cover this so hopefully someone's misery will love my company.

Over the past few months, I came to love running. It was so much fun to find new places to run, to beat my times, to try and meet my goal time for a 5K for which I had registered. I even experienced my first "runner's high"in September...I was running through a hilly trail and hit 3.1 miles (my goal for that day) and just kept on going. I was used to praying for the end of the run to come because running made me want to die at times, but on that day, I felt so great, like I could have run forever. As the weeks went on, I increased my mileage and frequency and was thinking that a 10-miler or a half-marathon seemed like a great idea for the future. I thought I was being smart about my running plan, increasing mileage by small percentages, stretching before and after my runs, and icing my legs when they ached.

A month or two ago, I was using a rolling pin to massage the front of my leg and I noticed a sharp pain in my shin when I ran the rolling pin over it. I didn't think much of it because nothing hurt when I ran.

Three weeks ago, I happened to run five days in a row (as opposed to my normal schedule of every other day or so). I had my 5K coming up and I wanted to practice as much as I could. At the end of the run on the 5th day, I commented to my friend/running partner that my shins kind of hurt. I thought not too much of it, went to yoga the next day, and took the following day off. The day after that, I went to the gym and noticed a sharp-ish (but not at all unbearable) pain in my shin. I continued my run, went home, and iced my shins. I took the next two days off, then went on a run that Saturday. My shin, particularly my right shin, hurt. I cut my run short and came home. I decided to take the week off until my shins were okay, as my 5K meant a lot to me and I wanted to be properly rested for it.

My shins did not feel much better for the following week. I even brought ice packs to work and was RICE-ing at my desk. Because it had been seven days with not much improvement, I made an appointment with a sports medicine doctor. To be clear, the pain was not awful at all. I thought it was shin splints or a bruise or something. I just wanted the doctor to clear me for running my 5K that weekend.

I went to the doctor and he asked me lots of questions about calcium intake, whether it hurt to jump on my leg (it didn't), and he used this hammer-type thing that vibrated to run over my shins. That bothered my shin a little, but not much - kind of like someone pressing on a black-and-blue mark on your body. He said he wanted to have me x-rayed and get an MRI. I got those taken care of (my first experience with an MRI....if you ever want strangers to ask you a million questions about all the ways that you could possibly be pregnant, I suggest you get an MRI) and my doctor said he would call with the results once he had reviewed them.

On Monday, he called to tell me to stop putting weight on my left shin IMMEDIATELY because I had a severe stress fracture. I was in shock because my shin was feeling better. I seriously thought he was going to tell me I had shin splints. When he told me I had to get crutches, I almost started to cry. I told him I would go get them the following day and he said he strongly suggested that I go that very night and that he wanted to see me first thing in the morning. This freaked me out. It must be pretty bad if he didn't think I could safely walk another day.

I ran to CVS and got a pair of crutches and tried to figure out how to use them. I have never had a broken bone or even a sprain in my life so I'd never had an occasion to learn how to properly use crutches. If you also have not, believe me when I say that these fuckers are a PAIN IN THE ASS. I hate them with every fiber of my being. They are NOT easy to use or navigate and if you have wimpy T-Rex arms like me, you will find that it is a struggle just to travel a distance of 10 feet without wanting to take a break. I'm wishing I had lifted weights to build up my strength because dear lord walking on crutches is HARD. I managed to practice for about an hour before giving up and using one crutch as a cane, sort of dragging my leg. I also attempted to scoot places on my butt, but even that is a killer arm workout.

Anyway, back to my boring story. I show up at the doctor, swinging my bum leg all over the place on my crutches. BTW, if you ever doubt that 90% of the population are assholes, try using crutches while trying to open a door at the same time. The doctor showed me the MRI, which made me want to vom, as you could see a crack in my bone. He said it was a Grade 4 fracture (on a scale of 1-4, 4 being the worst) and that if I had waited much longer, I may have had to have a metal rod placed in my leg. This made me burst into tears and filled me with worry. What if my leg doesn't heal properly? Am I going to have to get a rod in my leg? Will I ever be able to run again? Or speed walk? Or take yoga? Am I going to be faced with stress fractures for the rest of my life?

He told me I am going to be on crutches for 6 weeks. I asked if there was ANY alternative, as in a walking boot or the method I had developed the previous evening (shuffling on my bad leg and using a crutch as a cane). He said absolutely not - no weight-bearing on my leg for 6 weeks and crutches are the only option. Additionally, I am not allowed to exercise at all - not even swimming or pilates. I did the math and realized that I will be on crutches until 2012. So no fun Christmas parties, no walking around the malls and stores to shop for gifts, no gorging on food and then running to burn the calories later. People keep saying "At leas this didn't happen in the summer!" I disagree. In the summer I would not have to worry about ice and snow tripping my already unsteady footing. I would not be forever remembering this year as "The Christmas I Was on Crutches." I know I'd be complaining no matter what time of year this happened, but something about it occurring over Christmas just chaps my hide.

I've now been on crutches for a week and here is what I've discovered: IT SUCKS. I've researched every alternative, from boots to knee walkers, and none of them will work for me as I cannot bear weight at all on the leg. You must take my advice when I say it is imperative to get a tutorial on how to use the crutches properly. They are not meant to go right into your armpits, but rather to the top of your ribcage with a space of two fingers between the top of your ribs and your armpit. When you walk, you should bear the weight on your hands rather than in your armpits. No one told me this until after I spent the day using the crutches improperly. The next morning I had to call out of work because my arms and chest hurt so badly. Just seeing the crutches made me want to cry...the thought of touching them to my chest was unbearable. I also could not scoot on my butt from my bed to the bathroom, as my arms felt like they were on fire. It was so awful. I basically made myself into a ball and rolled to the toilet. Luckily my cousin came to pick me up and I spent 2 days at her house. She and her husband basically did everything for me but go to the bathroom. I just sat on the couch with my leg propped up. They also helped fit my crutches properly and helped me practice going up and down the stairs. I'm not at all confident in my stairs abilities, but at least I am not certain to bust my ass if I have to take stairs anytime soon. Because I did not have to move around for those days, my muscles got a nice break and I was able to start over with the crutches and use them properly. Believe me when I say that my arms still hurt like a beeyotch but they are nowhere close to hurting as badly as they did that second day.

So I am currently on Day 7 of what I hope will be only 42 days of crutches (as my cousin pointed out, that is less time that Kim Kardashian was married!!) and here is what I have discovered so far:

• Wear a hoodie with a kangaroo pocket (or at least something with pockets) everywhere. Your hands are going to be occupied with operating your shit sticks crutches so you cannot carry anything anywhere. I personally like to carry my phone EVERYWHERE (safety first). If you wear a hoodie, you can use the pocket as well as your hood for a bonus pocket!
• Do you live on two floors? Move everything possible to one of the floors to try to minimize necessary trips up and down the stairs. Even if you are a stair-climbing champ, you still want to save your strength for absolutely necessary movements, like going to the bathroom or preparing food.
• Do you have a chair or stool on wheels? I started using my desk chair at home to get from point to point. It is not smooth sailing, as I have carpet in my apartment and the wheels drag, but this chair has been a saving grace for my exhausted arms. Also, it is imperative to have one for something as simple as getting a drink of water or your dinner. You can move your cup and plate from one room to another because your hands are free!
• You have to get a backpack. There are just no two ways around it.
• The only thing I can think of that I absolutely cannot do alone and on crutches is grocery shop. You can't push that cart when you're on crutches. I have had several friends offer to grocery shop for me but I feel bad having others do my chores. I am going to rely on family members to help me out with this task. 
• People are going to stare at you when they see you hobbling toward them on crutches. Some people will be nice and help you out by opening doors. You should memorize these people's faces so you can thank them at a later date. 
• If people offer to help you, let them. This is difficult for me. I hate to have people do things for me when I could just do them myself, but now that I am unable to do simple tasks that involve walking and using my arms, I have had to quickly learn to take people up on offers. If people did not want to help, they would not offer. 
• Wear layers over short sleeves. A 2-minute excursion from your office to the bathroom will have you sweating like a pig.
• Ice your chest and arms at night to help make the next day of crutching a little more bearable. 
• Well-meaning people will try to make you see the bright side of your situation. "At least it's not your right leg, because then you couldn't drive!" "At least this didn't happen in the summer!" "Six weeks isn't that long in the scheme of things!" Sure sure these are all true, but it's not fun to look on the bright side when all you can think about is the end of your short-lived running career, a stinky Christmas season, and the fact that you'd rather go thirsty than drink a glass of water so that you don't have to use your crutches to make another trip to the bathroom. I know that this is not even close to being the worst situation possible, but I am a complainer by nature. This totally sucks and you can let yourself be upset about it. Six weeks IS a long time to just sit on your ass, unable to exist without help from others. 

Tomorrow: Things that worry me about this injury and debating whether or not to continue running.